What To Do When Your Life Sucks

Jul 2, 2013

Do you ever have days when your life sucks? I don’t mean big momentous tragic events like a health problem, serious relationship issues or, God forbid, a car collision or other disaster. No, I mean just one of those days where you have what we may call the blahs, blues, ennui, the yuckies. Even though all evidence is to the contrary, you are convinced that at that very moment your life sucks.

When your life sucks, you don’t post it on Facebook, god forbid. After all Facebook is where you only put the good stuff. And herein lies the problem. We judge our lives by other people’s highlight reel. Your friends are posting only the good stuff. Don’t you think they have sucky days?

Someone recently told me that I was her role model because I do so many interesting, adventurous things. True, I did raft the Grand Canyon, cruised the Panama Canal and went to China twice. That’s over a four or more year period. So on the average, I have one grand adventure every year or so. In between there are plenty of sucky times. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a pretty good life — I live in a nice place, have a respectable career that provides a decent living, have a family I love and drive what my son-in-law calls an awesome car. But there are those days that I can’t get myself out of the gloomies. On those days I don’t want advice, I don’t want cheering up. I just want to be morose and wallow. So in the interest of maintaining my friendships, professional reputation and probably just because I don’t want help, I go into hibernation mode. Maybe you have a better answer but that’s what I do. Then I have a hot bath, go to bed early and start anew another day.

Of course there is a lot of wisdom out there as to how to get out of the gloomies. Exercise go for a walk. Yeah, I’ll get around to that — tomorrow. Vitamins, yup. Call a friend? Are you kidding? I wouldn’t wish me on my worst enemy when I am in one of those moods. TV and alcohol might seem soothing but eventually only make the self loathing worse.

So what do I do? I go with it. Remember, this too shall pass.

That is one of the benefits of sageism (as opposed to ageism) You’ve seen this before and you recognize the symptoms and the patterns. Go with it.

One of my routines when I am having THAT kind of day is a hot bath and an Oprah magazine. Usually just the right article pops out for me. Today it was a Martha Beck column from the June 2013 issue:

“OMG, do you have any idea what you are missing right now? Have you checked Facebook in the last two minutes? If so then you know that everyone (and by that I mean everyone but you)_is out there rocking life. Your BFF (that is your former BFF) and her new BFF are trekking through Ladakh. Your college roommate has built and Internet empire. Your cousin’s at a wacky costume party, LOL — no ROFL! Right now, everybody out there (except you) is whirling ravishingly through the good life! Together! in flash mobs!” What R U doing?”

Beck calls this FOMO — Fear of Missing Out. She offers three strategies for combating FOMO:

1. Remember most of is based on a lie. Remember the photographer told them to smile. They are only posting the good parts.

2. Create a new FOMO — Fear Of Moving On — Realize that focusing on things you may be missing is just another way or resisting your own life, your own destiny

3. Stop! Just mentally stop!

Remember — don’t judge your life by someone else’s highlight reel. There will be days that your think your life sucks.

You know it doesn’t really.

The Longest Day of the Year — Or, Why I never made it to the Seattle World’s Fair

Jun 21, 2012

The space needle is painted orange these days – homage to the days of its beginning when it was the symbol for the 1962 World’s Fair. It was a symbol for the future, looking forward to the next century. For me the Space Needle will always have a different meaning. It is a reminder of why I never made it to the Seattle World’s Fair.

I was living in Spokane, Washington which seemed miles from the exciting, metropolitan city on “the coast”. (People in Spokane always refer to Seattle as “the coast” even though it is really quite far away from the actual Pacific Coast.) I was completing my teacher training program as a student teacher and I had a small, very small, diamond ring on my left hand. In addition to getting a B.A. in those days, you were expected to get an MRS degree so I was well on my way to success.

My fiancé was an Air Force officer stationed in Arkansas but attending a training program in Texas. He invited me to visit in June after my student teacher assignment concluded. I took the train from Spokane to Dallas. The route was through Chicago, St. Louis and then Dallas. The trains of the north were luxurious and I loved the elegance of the dining car. After St. Louis I found myself in a different environment completely. I had arrived in Jim Crow country but that is a story for another time.

My fiancé met me in Dallas and we toured Neiman Marcus which sure didn’t look like Spokane. We then rode in his Porsche Speedster to Wichita Falls to Shepard Air Force Base. Being a proper young lady, I was housed in the quarters of two female Air Force Officers who were classmates. I loved the camaraderie of the group of officers in my fiancés class. They kept teasing me about the wedding they had planned for me. I had no intention of getting married and was returning to Spokane to finish my schooling thank you!

My fiancé wanted to get married because the married officer’s housing had air conditioning and the bachelor officers’ quarters did not. Some motivation! After ten days or so, he realized I really was going to return to Spokane and the wedding would have to wait. No air conditioning for him, yet.

Reluctantly he took me to the train station to make reservations. I never have understood why I had not booked round trip. We learned that there was a three to four month waiting time for reservations to Washington State because people were attending the world’s fair in Seattle. You think he knew this all along? As a proper young lady I could not stay in Texas for three or four months and not be married. So the wedding was on.

My new friends the female officers took me shopping for a dress—a little cotton frock with petticoats, made a small veil and arranged for flowers. The base chapel was a lovely brick building and they had a Lutheran chaplain. Even a singer who was on his way to Julliard. It was a fun wedding even though the air conditioning broke that day in the brick chapel and it was over 100 degrees that day. A reception was held in the officers’ club and we were fêted and gifted with a coffee pot, an iron and other essentials of life in the married officers’ quarters. Thus began my married life on June 21, 1962 — the longest day of the year.

We visited Seattle Center, the site of the World’s Fair several years later and I had a little sense of having missed out on what was an iconic event in my now home.

Now with all the nostalgia on the fiftieth anniversary of the Seattle World’s Fair I have my own memories – the reason I never made it to the fair.

Have You Checked Your Social Settings?

Jan 20, 2012

In case you didn’t know it, we in the Seattle area have been snowed in for a week. I was going to write about how Facebook kept me connected. I was keeping up with friends, enjoying videos from friends who were “stranded” in L.A. and had to drive up the coast to Malibu, commenting on the snow pictures and generally satisfying my social needs. I wasn’t really noticing that I wasn’t receiving any comments on my posts until I asked for help with a fish recipe. Nothing. No responses. Everyone else was getting comments. I was getting responses from my comments on other peoples postings. See how self-centered everyone is? Only care about their own postings. Not mine.

No one likes me.

They all ignore me.

A friend called me. She had no internet connection at her home. Another called later and she also was without internet. So that explained why these two close friends had not responded. I growled to one of my friends that I had been given recognition and no one commented. She said she had not seen the post.

I’m not sure how I discovered the problem after my days of isolation. Seems I had posted something only for family and I had not changed the setting. You can decide on Facebook who you want to see your posts but that setting remains until you change it. I had a setting for family, which in my case, is only about five people—three of whom are rarely on Facebook and never comment. I don’t even know how long I had this setting. No wonder no one responds. I had inadvertently isolated myself!

As I was relating this story I realized the real life lessons.

1. Is it real? Or is there information you don’t know?

There are several personal growth gurus who lecture on this. Are you making decisions based upon inadequate information? I was thinking no one cared about what I had to say because they hadn’t responded. I didn’t know that no one was seeing my posts. Or that some of my friends were without internet.

A friend of mine shared with me that she was hurt that she had not been included in a group. I pointed out that I had posted on Facebook, sent e mails and made an announcement at a meeting about the formation of the group. She did not remember any of these invitations and built a case in her mind how she had intentionally been excluded. Didn’t have all the facts.

2. Have you changed your “settings”?

I am chagrined that I somehow unintentionally changed my settings so no one was receiving my posts. Are there times we change our settings metaphorically? Do we become pre-occupied so that we don’t notice people trying to communicate with us? Do we translate someone’s body language or facial expression as not being interested in us when that person may also be pre-occupied, in pain or even, shy. I have poor vision and often squint. I found that some teachers or lecturers interpreted this as disagreeing with them or, worse yet, too stupid to understand. They didn’t bother to check and I didn’t know about my inadvertent “settings”. Hopefully we can improve our ability to send and receive messages.

Stop making assumptions and ask for clarification and above all: